People are, like, so stupid, I swear
Like, I swear, I don’t understand people sometimes. I was totally practicing the pianoforte and like, minding my own business when my annoying rodent brother comes in and is all, “Dad said I can publish but you can’t because you’re a girl!” so I’m all “Whatever, like anyone would publish anything you would write, loser.” It was like so annoying.
But I was totally bummed by not being able to publish, I was like, “Like why should he be able to publish and not me?” I was like, so perplexed. So I decided to talk to my grandpa because he’s this old wise dude that is, like really smart. I go up to him and I’m all, “Why shouldn’t I be able to like publish?” and he’s all " Blah, blah, blah (something in Hebrew) " and I’m all, “Grandpa we converted to Christianity, remember, we wanted to fit in.” So he like didn’t have anything to say and after, like two minutes of bizarre awkward silence he asked me if I would like, bake him a strudel, and I was all, like, “No way.”
So then, you won’t believe this, my dad’s friend Goethe comes over, he is this totally gross, creepy perv that writes all these weird poems that are supposed to be, like amazing, but they stink and people are too polite to tell him he’s, like this total moronic loser. So he comes in and is all, “Hi Fanny, why don’t you run along and play with some of your cute baby dollies, your daddy and I have big grown up things to talk about.” And I was like, um, I’m fourteen. People are so stupid, like, I swear.
Catastrophe Averted: Haydn Age 8
A few weeks ago Schoolmaster Franck told me they were going to castrate me. I didn’t know what that meant. I asked some other boys at the school and they said it meant they were going to cut my balls off so I could sing really high when I am a man. I like singing high, but I also kind of like my balls. They also said if I got castrated everything would taste like gargoyle poop. I wrote a letter to my parents and they wrote to Schoolmaster Franck telling him not to castrate me. My dad said he wanted me to sire children. I don’t know what that means either. I think it might be good to sire children, but I’d rather eat everyday and maybe, one day, see a lion.